Well, I guess we're getting what we asked for. The "we" I'm referring to is that group of GameCube owners, myself included, who were constantly livid about the lack of software on Nintendo's last console - exclusive titles were few and far between while the PS2 and Xbox chugged out game after game, third and first party alike. That is no longer the case with the Wii, as the little system that could is churning out games like butter in Amish country. It's too bad then that most of these titles barely meet the standards set by the last generation, let alone this one. But I digress. The audience for My Horse & Me isn't likely to find this issue important. What is important for them to know is why this game is a waste of time and money.

I'll get straight to the point. In My Horse & Me, controlling your horse, which is not only the core but 99% of the game itself, has a learning curve that is way too high for the demographic that the game is aimed at. Tenacity is not usually a quality found in youngsters, but it's a requirement for anyone attempting this game. Being a gamer, I think it's safe to say that I have somewhat of an advantage in picking up on how to play games over someone who plays them casually, yet it took a whole two hours before I could coerce my horse through even the most basic of courses. And those two hours were some of the most infuriating and curse-filled of my gaming days!

Honestly, the game is built on a solid, logical concept of using the Nunchuk and Wiimote combo like the reins of a horse; pull the Nunchuk up to turn left, the Wiimote up to turn right, pull up on both to slow the animal and shake them three times to speed up. Logical? Yes. Accurately implemented? Um, no, not quite. When there's actually room on the typically congested courses, turning your horse is manageable if you're going slow enough, but slow equals boring. It's when the course expects you to do multiple figure eights and jump thirty hurdles that you'll find the controls simply too inadequate and inaccurate to perform what you're tasked with.

Had My Horse & Me suffered solely from control issues, as I'm somewhat of a forgiving dude, the score wouldn't be as damning. However, W! Games (a new developer that I think its safe to say was created to make games specifically for the Wii) committed one of the most mind-boggling mistakes I've seen in some time. There is absolutely no Career mode to speak of whatsoever and effectively no structure on how to play through the game at all. The case boasts three aspects of horse riding: grooming, training and competing, but as there is no Career mode to link the three gameplay elements, they're no more than what many other Wii games boil down to - a collection of unrelated mini-games (there are some of those too, but they're nigh on unplayable thanks to the controls). Yes, you can train your horse, but going through the training sessions does nothing to improve your horse's stats, as it has none. Yes, you can ride in five different levels of competition, but your only reward is new clothes for your rider and new saddles for your horse. Yes, you can groom your horse, but there is absolutely no point in doing so in that it yields no benefits and is devoid of an ounce of fun. Of course, one might say that since I'm not a ten-year-old girl who loves horses then I wouldn't find it entertaining, but the simplicity in which you groom your horse - scrub with a hard brush, then a soft brush, then water with a hose (all using the same motions of course), and voila, you're done - would leave much to be desired by any kid in this era of entertainment. I just don't understand. A game like this is a perfect fit for a Career mode, where you could create your horse and rider in the beginning and work your way up by training, starting off in small competitions, earning money to purchase supplies, clothes and the like and keep moving up from there. There's not even a trophy room where you can view your accomplishments. In short, My Horse & Me has all the options and content of a demo.

So, what have we got so far? Broken controls and three modes that fail to mesh together to make a cohesive game experience - but we aren't done yet. I blame the two-hour learning curve on the poorest excuse for tutorial levels I've ever come across. As there aren't too many horse games out there (though the number is growing for some strange reason) and since the Wii's controls tend to be unique to each game, you might think it would have been logical for the game to thoroughly display them so that you can learn them with ease, like in the excellent Zack & Wiki, which features an onscreen character mimicking the movements you need to perform. My Horse & Me features one screen (during loading) of four static pictures with arrows that show how you're supposed to make your horse move - and nothing more. Needless to say, this doesn't help as much as the developer perhaps thought it might.

I suppose it is necessary to touch on the aesthetic elements of the game, though they are quite trivial in light of the poor core components. The world of My Horse & Me is incredibly bland, with little to no textures to speak of. The color has a heavy scheme of pastels with what looks like a soft wash over everything that makes it look like an Easter game. Cardboard-thin audiences and backdrops coupled with every object not in the foreground being a vague blur round out the visuals. They get the job done, but I'd take black and white stick horses and PlayStation polygon courses if the controls were worth a damn.

If W! Games deserve credit for anything, it's got to be consistency - the sound design is virtually non-existent. Of course, they somehow managed to find the two most irritating voices in the world to voice the tutorial levels and competition introductions, which repeat the same phrases over and over. During competitions, on your first attempt, the audience is really pulling for you, cheering loud, but if you have to retry (and you will) they apparently lose faith in you and head to the concession stand, because the only other sound is the thud of hooves on grass - and that of your sigh of disappointment. And cursing, if you're like me.

I'd like to think I gave My Horse & Me a good amount of effort and a fair hearing - more than most would have. I was driven to master the controls and for a while as I bullied my way around them - that is until the difficulty level ramped up unexpectedly and the courses became impossible to complete. Once this happened there wasn't anything more I could possibly do in the game. My Horse & Me is an unfinished product, an experiment in making a horse game on the Wii and somebody somewhere should be ashamed to have slapped a $30 price tag on it. What it deserves is the same treatment the doctors dish out in The Far Side's "horse hospital" strip. If you don't get the reference, I'll help you out: BLAM!

Reviewed by Scott Schmidt for AceGamez (All Rights Reserved).