I can't believe this game exists - I really can't. I keep waiting for someone to tell me that this is an elaborate and sophisticated practical joke. Sadly however, it seems that it's not. Instead, the reality is that Midway decided that instead of concentrating on making the TNA: Impact game perfect or working harder on the next Mortal Kombat titles, they would just inflict this pile of garbage on the gaming world, with not a care in the world. As I'm sure you can guess, Cruis'n isn't a good game by any stretch of the imagination.

I had no knowledge of the history of this franchise - and maybe that's a good thing, as I think that would tarnish my opinion of it even more. For those arcade gamers out there who may have heard of it, you might find it reminiscent of the Fast and the Furious when you first get started. This is because having lost the marketing rights to that film, Midway had to pull the Cruis'n moniker out of the bin and slap it on a game that's now over three years old. Of course, given its age, the developers must have pimped up the graphics and sound, increased the amount of cars and tracks and made this one hell of a ride - right? Well, you'd think that they would, yet some people have compared Cruis'n to an N64 game - and that isn't an example of farfetched hyperbole, as it looks horrible with basic textures that sometimes lose their shape an attempt at shadows that's such a laughable mess that the humble N64 could do (and has done) better.

One good thing about the game is its simplicity. Once you get to grips with the controls, which follow the traditional Wii horizontal holding of the controller that other racing games have adopted, the control of the vehicles is wonderful. The controls aren't too sensitive and the usage of A for Nitro and 1 for brake and 2 for accelerate is perfect. When it comes to the control and handling, it's an example of how all Wii racers should be - and hopefully when the Wii versions of Mario Kart and F-Zero are eventually released, they will follow this example. However, (yes, sadly this is where the positives end) these perfect controls mean nothing if the game is no good - and Cruis'n is average at best.

With only twelve cars, twelve tracks, three game modes and no online gameplay, the experience is a little on the light side. Again, it is not an exaggeration to say that Cruis'n can be completed in less than a few hours and while some novelty can be gained from local multiplayer, it's simply not enough fun and nowhere close to reproducing the type of gameplay that had us all playing Double Dash for so many months. True, the game cranks the speed up to eleven and tries to create the kind of excitement we crave from games like Burnout, but unfortunately it just doesn't cut it in the long run. If you are not in the top three within the first minute of the race then you may as well just restart, as there seems to be no way to recover from a bad start - and this is the death knell for any racer.

Circuit is the main game and follows the typical race a track and finish in the top three to proceed - rinse and repeat twelve times and then go back to playing Zelda. Seriously - that is it. I could say that the ability to upgrade your vehicle and increase acceleration, enhance tyres, extend nitro and pimp up your ride is a nice element - but it's not. This is because the upgrade system allows you only the ability to use the points gained from the current race and only one element can be improved per race. This is a stupid idea and it's galling when you upgrade your Nitro only to see that you have points left over that could have been used for something else; it's the gaming equivalent of buying a pack of chewing gum with a £50 note and then walking away without taking your change.

Graphically the game is appalling; I'm sure Isao Nakamura (Ridge Racer) is looking at everything that Cruis'n has to offer and laughing himself silly. And I do mean everything; from the tracks to the cars to the pitiful cutout people at the start of the race, there is nothing that says 'next generation' - hell, there's nothing that even says 'last generation' either. At one point I was convinced I had stumbled accidentally upon a bonus game of the original N64 Cruis'n and that I just had to exit to get to the real game - but I hadn't. If Cruis'n had been created by a smaller or new company who were just finding their feet then I might have been a little more forgiving of the end product (only a little, mind!), but this is Midway we're talking about and they have had twenty years to find their feet.

Each track looks like the last with just a few minor adjustments and while in an arcade game you might not notice, in the comfort of your living room it is perfectly clear how little work has been put into the tracks. The vehicles are fine to a point and the Pontiac Firebird and Chevrolet Corvette are particularly exciting to look at, but with only twelve vehicles (as a comparison, Need for Speed: ProStreet has fifty-five!) you will soon lose interest and it is doubtful, other than for curiosity's sake, that you will play the entire game with more than one or two vehicles. You won't do this though, mainly because the loading times are so horrendous. Need I remind everyone that this is the Wii we're talking about and not the PSP? The third most powerful console on the planet today and it takes up to a minute to load up a port of a game from 2003 - and this isn't a dig at the system, it's just one more black mark against Cruis'n.

As for the sound, it's a mixture of terrible and laughably terrible. Effects seem to drift in and out on a whim and one of my highlights from playing was firing nitrous to head nothing and then twenty seconds later hearing the effect, as if the gremlins inside the machine woke up and decided to do some work. The music is nothing special and there's no reason to mention it other than to say it exists.

It's hard to come up with anything positive to say about Cruis'n without scraping the very bottom of the barrel. I have sat here for a good few hours trying - really trying - and it seems that "At least the controls work well!" is as close to a compliment as I can get. The longevity in single player is pitiful and only slightly better in multiplayer, but not by much, while the gameplay feels like a severely downgraded version of Burnout and the presentation is simply atrocious. My advice is to just cruise past this poor excuse for a game and wait for something better to come along - which will be whenever the next Wii game is released, whatever it may be!

Reviewed by David Simpson for AceGamez (All Rights Reserved).