Get that offal away from me man! The money? No, I don't want it. You can stick the stuff where the sun don't shine boyo, I ain't touching that dirty substance - I've told you, I'm clean man, real clean. I'm a changed man, I don't deal in this any more. If it's all the same, I'm going to walk away now, alright? Alright.

A thundering lash of painful noise briefly interrupts the Miami parking lot ambience.

"Not so clean now, bitch."

Car doors slam, handbrake releases and the sound of screeching tyres only adds to the Miami ambience. The drug barons sail off through the tarmac sea.

"Oh Tubbs, my man, this doughnut is yum-m-m-my!"
"Coffee is my preferred method of 'transportation' - gets me from hazy to crazy in sixty sips baby!"

"Criiiisagh! Respond, OVER!"

A radio through.

"Crockett, Tubbs, we have some drug stuff going down somewhere in the city - you're going to have to use your incredible skills to somehow sniff out these dealers and put an end to their lives in the most violent way possible! I know you can find them, it's what you do, right?"

Crockett pours the rest of his coffee down the barrel of his mouth and Tubbs finishes that darn tasty doughnut. It's midnight, the handbrake is released, gas is applied and the sound of Tubbs moaning, Crockett thinking out loud and the burning rubber of pedal to the metal only contributes further to the crescendo of the nightly Miami ambience.

And while Crockett and Tubbs are on their first of many missions to bust drug dealers on the PSP, I have to endure the pain that is Miami Vice: The Game. Don't forget, I reviewed Miami Vice on the PS2 a while back, although that game was made by the budget kings Davilex, and not by Vivendi like it is on the PSP. However, I think the licence is just doomed to fail. There's something about busting up homies that deal in drugs that doesn't quite appeal to me. I mean, if they want to kill themselves anyway, by snorting God knows what, and injecting horse knows what, then leave them to it! Let them die a horrible death through lethal wounds to the body's biological system. Shooting them in the head only speeds up the inevitable, doesn't it?

I bet Tubbs wished he'd cut down on the doughnuts, and Crockett hadn't overdosed on coffee over the years - I don't know for a fact that these are the actual habits of these two drug busting bad boys, but when you're running and gunning slower than a fat man trying to mimic bullet time in real life, it makes you wonder if Crockett and Tubbs have these bad habits that impair their swiftness. I suppose the Miami Vice duo are quite old though - maybe time is taking its toll on these ageing bastards.

Running and gunning is the object of the game. You run, slowly, and then you gun, slowly, thanks to the PSP controls. This is the basic principle of the entire game. Of course, there is something that thankfully provides another element that breaks up running and gunning, and that's ducking and dodging. It's not a big thing, but you can dodge and press your back up to almost any object in the game, from a plant pot to a kitchen counter, from a statue to a cabinet full of meths. So now you can peep from behind this object, duck down and then appear from either side, or over the top even, and shoot your way to victory. You can vault over some objects too - but that's it. I'm not about to unveil any more surprises, my faithful reader.

The whole shooting system, at first glance, seems to be perfect for the PSP. You hold a button down to go into over the shoulder view, down the red laser sight and your thumbstick controls this red beam until you're happy and you hit the fire button. In effect, you're taking aim and firing. And this works. Works, until you realise that you cannot run and gun while doing it, and works until you feel restricted by the fact that you have to actually move a little bit further to the left for example, to actually get that enemy in proper view. It all seems a little lax to me, like it hasn't really been thought through that well. Cast your mind back to the last time you played an FPS game. Then think of a weapon that you could look down the sight of, but couldn't move with while you were on this view - now ask yourself, how often did you stay like that? You didn't - you probably only used that feature to get a better shot in certain situations. With Miami Vice, this view is compulsory and this compulsion stops you from progressing on foot. Run, stop, and gun, as Miami Vice should now be described - because anybody now calling this a run and gun game should try wearing a straightjacket, driving a car and changing the radio all at the same time.

Levels take you through some interesting scenarios, from beach clubs to harbours and warehouses even - and the story in the game isn't as bad as I had imagined. Dare I say, at times it can be compelling - as compelling as drug busting can get, anyway. Miami Vice does have some cool things too. The camera is excellent, a Resident Evil 4 style camera always behind your shoulder, and cleverly going around corners with you. The camera never poses a problem like it does on most games for the PSP. There's a reputation system too, where you can earn points for not opting for the heavy guns and wearing the best armour. Reputation earns you brownie points amongst the people with contacts, which you can use to buy information as to where certain drug deals are going down.

The inclusion of a multiplayer mode is very welcome indeed, and could be considered as a saving grace for Miami Vice. You'll need another friend with another copy of the game, but it means that your friend can join you on your adventures, in co-operative gameplay, without much lag, shooting scumbags together. Co-op shooters are still a rarity, and even rarer on the PSP, so Miami Vice is a welcome addition to the sparse library of the PSP's co-op shooters.

It's just a shame that the single player is so darn repetitive - run, STOP, and gun, the AI is also pretty shabby and the game isn't particularly long either, if you can endure more than two levels without getting bored of the same old mechanics. The graphics are average at best, but to say this game has been exclusively made for the PSP, built from the ground up, I would have excepted much smoother, aesthetically pleasing visuals; the same old textures for the entire level isn't something that entirely captures my attention and the same old sound effects for the same old guns that you'll be using isn't something that impresses me at all. The voice acting isn't really great, no film talent at least, so you're left with an average game, with average visuals and distinctly average sound to boot.

I wanted to be clean. I thought I was a changed guy. I didn't want to touch that dirty substance, I didn't want to deal in this crap anymore - but, Crockett, Tubbs, you'd best arrest me on possession of a truly abysmal handheld shooter! Lock me up and throw away the key old man, and please, confiscate this copy of Miami Vice: The Game - don't lock it away in the evidence box, just burn it - as it's not worth the space of the few inches it'd take up. I'd happily take the janitor job in prison, cleaning crap off the terracotta than play this game without a friend, so you should only pick this one up if you have a friend willing to co-operate. If you co-operate however, if you go easy, you won't have to do as much time inside. Then again, time inside equals less time outside playing this. Don't go down without a fight, brother!

You got the stuff? Yeah? I'll pay you to keep it - how about that?

Reviewed by Dexter Pearson for AceGamez (All Rights Reserved).