"Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah..."
"Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah..."
"Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah..."

That's probably how you're reading this review. The words have become something of a blur (or a 'blah' as it were...) and you've no doubt fallen into an endless spiral of nose picking and daydreaming, as you stare blankly at the monitor as if auditioning for a part in Dead Rising 2. After all, you've seen this all before, right? Right?! What more could you possibly need to know, eh?!

As it turns out, there's quite a lot more to Vice City Stories than initially meets the eye - if not entirely from a gameplay perspective, then at least from a technological standpoint. Get this: Vice City Stories isn't just the same chart-topping PS2 title that graced our televisions way back in 2002. And it isn't just a money-reaping tactic from the bowels of publishing hell to make kids throw greedy tantrums in videogame stores the world over. No sirree. While the cynics and potty-mouthed forum-junkies among us might openly slate Rockstar's latest for a contemptible level of familiarity, know that Vice City Stories' familiarity serves only to provide a level of comfort - and that Rockstar Leeds have lavished as much care and attention onto Stories as any other GTA offering before it. Okay, so it doesn't exactly embody the gargantuan gameplay strides that the GTA franchise is synonymous with - and it doesn't set out to advance everybody's favourite crime sim in any particular way... but then it would be foolhardy to assume that of the dinky little PSP. As last year's GTA Liberty City Stories proved, GTA on the PSP will always be something of a sidestep for the series due to hardware limitations. However, if Liberty City Stories was the sideways step, then Vice City Stories is the sideways leap.

As you'll probably know (unless you've been living under a rock with Fred Flintstone and Barney Rubble), Vice City Stories takes place just a few years before its PS2 incarnation, with the charismatic Vic Vance (well, what did you expect from the brother of smooth criminal Lance Vance?) taking centre stage. Vice City Stories turns the age-old 'rags to riches' plot line of the series on its head ever so slightly, with Vic Vance beginning the tale with a promising future in the US army and working all hours to glean enough dough for his sick brother and dysfunctional family. However, in traditional GTA-style, things go tits up when Jerry Martinez (Vic's superior) has him running ever-so suspicious errands (collecting drugs, running around ladies of the night and pumping lead into poor old Mexicans anyone?) all for the much-needed cash. Needless to say, word gets around about Vic's not-so-legit dealings and he's tossed out onto the streets like a cat upon whizzing on the carpet (the cat that is, not Vic). And it's up to you to rise throughout the ranks to claim the coveted rank of Vice City King Pin™ by working for dodgy contacts and building a bad ass reputation.

You can't help but have a little bit of sympathy for Vic, though - which is much more than can be said for Tony Cipriani's gruff, personality-devoid grunts in Liberty City Stories. If there's one thing VCS excels at, it's personality. Whereas LCS' tale was merely functional, with soulless characters and little info as to why you were even carrying out such missions, this iteration serves up a plotline you can really sink your teeth into. Believable characters? Yup. Cracking voice acting? The very best. A story that twists and turns like a dislocated shoulder? Of course! It's safe to say that VCS delivers much more of a console experience than the likes of the previous handheld entry - managing to capture the vibrancy, depth and cinematic impact of it's older brother right down to a tee.

The thrill-a-moment gameplay, the blinding visuals, the ear-shattering retro-goodness of the audio - it's all here! Oh yes, the audio! How could I forget? In a word - awesome. In a sentence - err, it's still awesome! And yes, that really is the only word to explain it! It's the main driving force behind the brilliantly executed Eighties theme, featuring eight unique radio stations to accompany your prostitute-pimping, spanning an enormous array of genres and classic tunes that'll have Dad jumping out of his armchair to boogie on down like it's 1983. Err, you can sit down now, dad... But seriously though, with classics like Judas Priest's Electric Eye, Run D.M.C's It's Like That, and Sister Sledge's Lost In Music (among many, many others), VCS's track list reads like a list of Eighties musical legends. If Eighties music isn't exactly your thing, you could always hop over to the laugh-a-second talk shows - with possibly some of the most side-achingly funny gags to date.

There's just something about this iteration that feels so much more complete, and so much more GTA. It really is quite astonishing how much the Rockstar boys have managed to cram into such a titchy little UMD. Powering up VCS for the first time and revelling in the trouser-unzippingly gorgeousness of it all is a bit like seeing one of those model-ship-containing bottles - you're not quite sure how they've squeezed it all in, but it's more eyebrow-raisingly impressive than a chimp riding a unicycle and whistling the national anthem - of your choice. Just look at it, you know you want to! Watch in amazement as countless foul-mouthed pedestrians stroll along the many neon-adorned streets, gawp at the fetching dynamic lighting and rub your eyes in disbelief at the mammoth size of the Eighties-themed locale. This is, after all, a game that many deemed far too ambitious for the PSP's older brother, and to see it all in the palm of your hands, running at a silky smooth frame rate, will set your eyes ablaze.

There are still drawbacks in the visual department that allude to the fact that this kind of experience really shouldn't be possible on the PSP, but these instances are few and far between, like the ghastly motion blur that the PSP washes over the whole affair, the PSP's inability to deal with dark scenes - making nighttime driving a nuisance and the odd bit of pop-up that'll have you cursing when your VIP-chauffeuring limo collides with a ledge you didn't know was there, flipping the vehicle on its head and ending the mission in the process. However, these really are minor gripes and they rarely cause too much frothy-mouthed frustration - to tell the truth, when you're having this much fun you really won't care.

However, if there was one thing that stuck out more than Solid Snake in a teddy bear costume and had cynical journos sharpening their pitchforks for an imminent burning at the stake, it was that of LCS' nauseatingly repetitive mission structure. It's safe to say that LCS didn't so much push the boat out as give it a shy nudge and a nervous giggle in terms of mission variety - and by the time you'd escorted your umpteenth prostitute and whacked your umpteenth pimp you'd lost the will to live - a bit like listening to a Westlife song more than once. Thankfully the missions are more varied than a pack of Fruit Pastels here and while they don't reach the dizzy heights of, say, GTA3's much-applauded Bomb Da Base mission, they're certainly just as engrossing and dynamic as their predecessors.

The trick is in the surprise and unforeseen twists of each mission - with the most mundane of tasks spiralling into mini-epics of game design. You'll watch in amazement as a seemingly facile visit to the airport to pick up your brother results into a heated gang shootout, with Lance Vance putting the pedal to the metal and you shooting an automatic at big-balled Mexicans over some of the most cracking set pieces and stunts to ever grace a videogame. You'll elicit a panicked yelp as you manoeuvre an abandoned forklift to remove whopping crates of boom-shine from a burning warehouse before you resemble the cheese toastie you had for lunch. You'll grin manically as you jump rooftops on a motorbike to gain entrance to a baddie-filled car lockup to embezzle a mission-necessary motor. And the PSP doesn't even stop to catch its breath, boasting some of the quickest loading times on the platform!

Aside from the rather glamorous missions remain some of the usual suspects; transporting prostitutes and, well, whacking pimps. The difference, however, is that they aren't as repetitive as a Cheeky Girl chorus this time around. Of course, there are also the slightly bizarre missions (quad bike racing anyone?) to contend with too - which help add a little spice to the GTA recipe.

If that isn't enough to whet your appetite, there's also a variety of side missions to keep you entertained in between all that hoe-transporting and pimp 'whacking', too. That'll be your taxi, firefighting and vigilante missions then. But wait - there's more! Introducing the nifty empire system, boasting unlimited (well, to an extent) missions, the premise being that the many businesses of Vice City - spanning prostitution, loan sharking, smuggling and (naturally) drug dealing - can be taken over in true Bill Gates style, by smashing up the company headquarters and punching the manager in the face with the much improved combat system that's far more grotesque in appearance than ever before. Ouch! An icepack, sir? With the company taken care of and under your full control and money landing in your pocket daily, you can embark on any illegal dealing that takes your fancy from the upcoming-mission notice board. These feats are rarely anything too special and it's often just a case of chauffeuring girls around town and pimp whacking (sigh...) but you'll certainly keep business hunting if only for the designated save points that come with each property.

There are also a whole host of multiplayer modes to tackle when you want to take a break from the main storyline - with more modes than you can shake a flamethrower at for this iteration. First up is Vice City Survivor, essentially a simple deathmatch mode, pitting you and up to five more players in an all-out bloodbath to pronounce the player with the highest number of kills as the winner. Then there's the capture the flag stylings of Taken For A Ride that sees you attempting to nab your opponents' vehicles, before driving them back to your base in a tizzy. Of course, there are the more esoteric entries to keep things exciting, such as the delightfully-named Tanks For The Memories mode, which sees you rushing for the titular tank and remaining in its possession for a set amount of time, not to mention the cracking Hit List mode, which randomly marks a player for the others to track down and eliminate, before rewarding the player with the lengthiest survival time with the title of champion. With a whopping ten modes in all, it's safe to say that VCS outdoes its forerunner in every way imaginable. However, what with Vice City being bigger than South Park's Cartman in a body suit, playing with only one or two players feels somewhat bland in comparison to a full house of players - something that online play would have corrected significantly, but unfortunately that doesn't make an appearance.

Vice City Stories is by far the greatest GTA entry on a portable device (feel very, very bad if you bought it on the Game Boy Advance!) and indeed it's the greatest of the two entries on Sony's handheld baby. While Vice City Stories may strike you as being formulaic and unoriginal, know that the similarities are merely skin deep; dig a little deeper and you'll discover an experience with the kind of production values, Rockstar-gloss and utter playability that the GTA titles are reputed for. Sure, the PlayStation Portable's restrictions don't allow for any radical advances of the formula, but as always, it's that GTA magic that saves the day. In fact, this isn't just the greatest Grand Theft Auto the PSP - but arguably the best game on the system - and that's saying something. As such, it probably goes without a saying that it's a must buy (if you're old enough) but, just in case, I said it anyway!

Reviewed by Ricky Lee Staines for AceGamez (All Rights Reserved).