"Zzzzz....
Cough!
Splutter!
Cough!
Zzzzz..."

No, my '62 Thunderbird hasn't just clapped out like the rusted Ford Fiesta in your neighbour's front yard - y'know, the one that alley cats pee on and foxes have made their home in, that never moves? It's just that, well, after playing the gawd-awful, lifeless and wrist-slittingly depressing Ford Street Racing: LA Duel for what felt to be an eternity (any longer than ten minutes) you can't help but cross over to Snoozeville to escape the mind-eroding dreariness of it all.

One bucket-sized cup of espresso for me please, Mr Waiter - I've got a review to do! Ah, lovely. You might have seen the multiformat iteration of Ford Street Racing cowering next to the almighty Gran Turismo in game stores nationwide - where it received hefty beatings, wedgies and had its lunch money swiped by the likes of Burnout. You may have seen people buying it. You may have laughed at them whilst clutching your copy of Forza. I know I did! And believe it or not, despite that big, yellow '5' that just screams "AVERAGE!" at the top right of your monitor, this iteration is actually the better of the two... (I feel your pain, Geoff!)

Ford Street Racing: LA Duel pulls up at the start line ever so slightly late for the original race, having just had a neat set of rims and decals fitted - not to mention a good scrub up in the car wash. And believe me, LA Duel scrubs up well - particularly due to the razor-sharp TFT screen on which it runs. The broad selection of Ford-licensed cars available are each as immaculately modelled as their console twins, boasting more reflections than a poser in a mirror factory (stop laughing! It's been a long week and I'm low on coffee! Oh, waiter?!). As a whole, the LA Duel concept was always best suited to the handheld as opposed to the technically superior console market. After all, you've trudged through commodious jungles with whopping great mullets, fought colossi the size of Wembley Stadium and driven from tip to toe across a San Francisco-esque metropolis. It's safe to say that having LA Duel on the PlayStation 2 is about as awe-inspiringly attractive as Mr Bean in a G-string. But on the humble PSP, the prospect of putting peddle to the metal around an aesthetically faithful LA is indeed something to gawp at. If there's one thing (well, the only thing) that LA Duel has going for it, it's that it certainly looks a treat and runs smoother than the skin of a freshly-greased porn star.

It's a crying shame then that LA Duel offers a driving experience similar to that of your neighbour's rust bucket - and it certainly feels as old. It's the game's unwillingness to engage the player in any other meaningful way than "press X to drive!" It lacks the tongue-drooping, open-gobbed concentration required by racers of the Gran Turismo ilk, yet it lacks the glitz, glamour and moorishness of, say, the Need For Speed franchise. It's hard to see how it will appeal to anyone outside of the Ford fanatic category - and even then it's hard to see how any of the latter would want to stick it out to the bitter end.

You'd probably be more inclined to stay a little while longer in LA Duel's company if only it played the flirting game a little - dishing out a few snazzy moves, effects and suggestive winks here and there. Or, God forbid, had a soundtrack. A racer without a soundtrack?! "Preposterous!" you say, like an OAP waving around the latest scaremongering effort in this week's issue of the Daily Mail. Sure, there's a pretty decent array of engine effects, and while they're convincing enough you can't help but elicit a disdainful wince as your PSP pumps out the same crash sound effect with not a care in the world. With that in mind, it's safe to say that you'll warm to this game about as much as you did your menopausal mother-in-law. And unfortunately, the "Cut me some slack, I'm a budget title!" excuse washes down with me about as well as an acid cocktail. Ouch.

As is true of most racers, it's the predominant career mode where you'll spend most of your time - and LA Duel doesn't buck that trend. While the career mode is both solid and rich in quantity, (offering both Solo and Team race types) you can't help but shake the feeling that races are unmemorable - eventually becoming more tedious than the incessant droning of your motor. Seriously, LA Duel could further depress the likes of even Jack Dee - and that's saying something. Many of the races are fairly generic dashes to the finish line and their unabashed simplicity is indeed underwhelming, not to mention about as challenging as a Uni lecture on the alphabet. Throw in some dead-to-the-world AI opponents and you've got LA Duel in a nutshell.

There are some highlights, though; the Team racing races are inspired - seeing you and a CPU controlled teammate fighting the other team for pole position against the competition. It's the way these races are executed that pulls the game up a gear (pun intended... where on Earth is my coffee?!) Switching between the two cars with a slight tap of up on the D-Pad is a cinch, allowing you to strive for the best position for each car. Fairly straightforward tactics are brought into play to shake things up too, enabling you to bark orders at the CPU controlled car, like drafting and blocking in order to impede the other team's progress. However, as with the staid Solo mode, the whole concept is marred somewhat by the unbelievably boneheaded AI.

In addition to the wearisome Career mode, there are the usual racing game suspects to dip into - with a pretty decent, albeit conventional, handful of modes to compete in, including Team Elimination (whereby the remaining two cars in each lap are eliminated), Time Trials and various overtaking exercises. There's also the ability for up to six players to battle it out for the gold in a series of wireless ad-hoc races (both solo and team), which is a rather welcome addition. However, with the sheer lack of options and race types available, the 'fun' certainly won't last for long - and it often feels as though its admission into the final code, as with various other aspects of the game, are merely just for the sake of ticking boxes.

Ford Street Racer: LA Duel possesses the bare minimum requirements of everything a modern racer should have and unfortunately nothing more. It's the purest definition of the term 'functional' if ever there was one and with the likes of Ridge Racer 2 having just hit the shelves (among many other cracking racers already available on the platform) you'd best ask to find the latter under your Deku Tree this Christmas. (What? That's funny, right? Right?! Waiter? WAITER! Oh sod this, I'm going home…) [Bless him, he's all excited about the new Zelda. But then again, aren't we all? Link Ed].

Reviewed by Ricky Lee Staines for AceGamez (All Rights Reserved).