Forgive the self-indulgence but I’m going to tell you a story, just bear with me for a few lines. There was a boy, for argument’s sake let’s call him Tom, who had a big brother. This big brother and his mates used to congregate around the TV every Sunday for the spectacle that was American Wrestling, the mid-eighties marvel of underdressed, over greased grotesques. Was it fake? Was it real? Surely that kind of continuous bodily abuse would leave any mere mortal with severe injuries, right?

They decided to find out…using Tom. Oh, how he dreaded those day-of-rest pummellings where, when the hour of magnificence had drawn to a close, four or five burly teenagers would take turns piledriving, suplexing and bodyslamming poor little Tommy into a dribbling mess. Eventually, the intrigue of more carnal pursuits drew the ultra-hormonal boys away from wrestling, leaving young Tom no longer fearing for his life on a Sunday. Relief was not the word.

It’s nice, then, to know that the grown up version of little Tom-Tom can replay all those matches he missed while cowering under his bed, thanks to Acclaim’s latest offering: Legends of Wrestling II.

LOWII differs from most other wrestling games in that the stars of this particular show are largely washed-out old has-beens. Whereas THQ’s Smackdown series has always served up a platter of up to date(ish) rosters, LOWII goes retro, featuring stars of yesteryear such as the late Andre the Giant, The Road Warriors Animal and Hawk and the wholly un-Scottish Rowdy Roddy Piper. Having done away with the game engine responsible for the likes of ECW: Anarchy Rulez, Acclaim have managed to produce something which, in my opinion, is just about the right side of mediocre.

If it’s main rival, WWE Smackdown: Shut Your Mouth, could be seen as a triumph of style over substance, then LOWII is most definitely the reverse in terms of gameplay. The command system allows for a decent array of moves and avoids the pitfall of repetitive gameplay so common to the genre. A vast majority of the holds and throws are performed solely using the face buttons, leaving the left thumb free for movement. This was something of a handicap for me as I have been playing Smackdown pretty much solidly for a good few years now. Probably the most interesting addition since the huge, turd-like presence of WWF: Warzone is the intermediate start positions (ISP).

This ISP system works thusly: Having engaged your opponent in a grapple, four base moves are available and from each of those four moves another four can be utilised, giving a total of… er…umm…four, plus the…carry the three…erm…sixteen!! Yes, sixteen. And that’s just from the front position - add to that the behind holds, weapon manoeuvres, attacks, strikes, turnbuckle and apron moves and you have a system that allows for a whole lot of damage dealing.

And there’s a good deal more. Almost every move can be countered, which in turn can be countered and reversed again and again and again. It gets harder every time, so thankfully holds rarely get turned around more than three times. When you consider, in addition to this, that most moves can be combined with other moves, you can see that LOWII manages to retain a high level of complexity, yet still remains for the most part very intuitive.

I say for the most part because there are one or two minor problems with it. Firstly, the counter gauge is situated right at the top, meaning that in order to pull off a reversal your eyes often have to move away from the action. This can reduce the fun factor quite significantly, making a state of the art, next-gen wrestling sim feel like a crude catch-the-ruler reaction test. The other disappointing thing about the system is that there are only three strikes and three taunts, not quite fitting with the rest of the play mechanics.

An extra dimension is added to the gameplay with the character attributes, each Legend has different skills which show through well during play and weighting is a factor, making it highly unlikely that a seven stone weakling will be able to gorilla press Abdullah the Butcher. This is a nice touch, without which the whole game would have felt a lot shallower.

The varying storylines, popularity rating and excitement meter, which shows how thrilled the fans are, add enough to the one player career mode to make you feel like you’re playing a well thought out game. Once you have chosen (or created) your legend, war must be waged on each region (five in total). Success in each region earns you popularity, the belt and, rather oddly, green coins. No, not loose change from the local nuclear power plant souvenir shop, but a strange currency that allows you to gamble in what must be the most out of place sub-game I have ever seen. In order to unlock the hidden goodies your hard earned ‘Green’ must be set against your skill by stopping a flashing light when it moves onto your chosen skull or skulls. Good timing will earn you red or blue coinage, which can then be used to buy anything from extra attributes to new arenas. This mini-game has no worldly right to be in this game and will annoy and frustrate in equal measures. I mean, what’s wrong with earning real cash and just using it to unlock the extras?

For me wrestling games are about beer, mates and consigning your girlfriend to the bathroom so she can’t obscure your view of the TV and whilst LOWII allows for some groovy 8-player mash ups, the variety of bout types is laughable, essentially going from 1-8 player tag, royal rumble and cage and ladder matches. This limits the amount of multiplayer fun to be had, especially considering the huge range available in Smackdown. It’s just not enough, Acclaim. What I also find difficult to believe is the amount of slowdown around in LOWII. For some reason it seems to rear its ugly head more in singles matches than anything else, but this is one of the few instances where my overall enjoyment of a title has suffered as a result. Most of the problems outlined above pale in comparison to either of the two major flaws in this title though – its presentation and the definition of legend.

Okay, regional wrestling is perhaps not the most glamorous of sports entertainment and LOWII nicely captures that sawdust-on-the-floor feel that comes with it. My problem lies with the fact that even at the top of your game, duking it out in front of millions of adoring fans, the dingy environments still make it seem like you’re fighting for your life for 50 bucks in some brutal pitfight. The sounds are quite acceptable in terms of grunts and so forth, but despite the fact that the soundtrack is one that I would like to have in my CD collection, the score gets a big thumbs down due to there only being one tune, yes one tune, over and over again throughout all of your matches. Needless to say, it can bring your nerves to breaking point after an hour or so of play. The mood of the game never seems to change and even though the character models are brilliantly drawn and textured, they don’t have the flair that they had on screen. A huge majority of the tandooried warriors are just so dull, with very few logos or tattoos, just an abundance of plain coloured Y-fronts and boots.

Which brings me to the other point: how loosely can the term ‘Legend’ be used? Tucked neatly between ‘Legato’ and ‘Legging,’ my little Oxford dictionary defines it as “a famous or remarkable person or event”. Makes sense to me. Obviously Acclaim found this unacceptable and changed it to “any and everybody cheap enough to get the rights to, regardless of notoriety or popularity”. What I found even more disappointing than the shoddy graphics was the glaring omission of some of the greats. No Mr. Perfect, no Ultimate Warrior, no Big Boss man, no Earthquake, no Demolition, the list goes on. Okay, the Create a Legend mode allows you to knock up an approximation of your favourite character, but it’s just not the same. I just find it a bit strange that this title was released with seemingly no regard for the target audience. Yes, George ‘The Animal’ Steele may have been a fantastic wrestler, but which section of the 16-30 year old demographic are going to recognise him?

I honestly wanted Legends of Wrestling II to be a Smackdown beater. Unfortunately it doesn’t really come close. There are a few things that raise it above the usual tripe of the genre, most notably the mechanics and character models, but more than a few which drag it down again, leaving it situated just above Acclaim’s previous attempts at wrestling games. I think someone should have thought a little longer about this concept before ordering all those catheterised, toothless old men back into their Lycra for one final bashing. Having said that there is a place for LOWII, albeit a very small one. With 65 odd stars, some interviews with the colostomy-bag-bound heroes of the past and some nice concept artwork, some of the more hardcore of wrestling fans will find this irresistible. If you are sick of Smackdown’s inane but fun style then this is worth a rental because there’s not a lot more fun to be had of a Sunday afternoon than watching an over oiled Big Daddy pounding seven proverbial bales out of Giant Haystacks.

Reviewed by Tom Leclerc for AceGamez (All Rights Reserved).