We all know the story here, so there's no need for a clever introduction or witty anecdote (those come later, of course). Transformers: Decepticons for the Nintendo DS comes to us courtesy of the resurrection of everyone's favorite giant morphing robots of the 1980s via last summer's blockbuster from Steven Spielberg and Michael Bay. It's also just one member of the Transformers game family that has barged its way onto every current game system, kind of like cousin Eddie from Christmas Vacation: we don't remember inviting him, but he's family… we think.

Just because it's a new movie doesn't mean things have changed. It's still Autobots versus Decepticons, still Optimus Prime versus Megatron, still robots in disguise. The DS features two versions of the game, where you play as either one of the factions. In this version you start the game as a generic Decepticon sent to Earth to uncover all you can about an artifact called the All-Spark, an ancient power source with the power to grant the Decepticons a decisive and lasting victory. During the course of the game you'll encounter characters from the movie like Starscream, Barricade and Blackout and while certain segments have you controlling these bots, for the majority of the time you play as this unnamed soldier.

Transformers: Decepticons sort of falls loosely into several genres instead of fitting snugly into one. Ironically, the game attempts to disguise itself as an open world game with mission-based action segments, but it's kind of hard to be considered open world if there's nowhere to go and nothing to do. Okay, technically there are optional side tasks that you can perform in addition to the main storyline missions, but these consist of destroying cars and street signs, throwing cars and street signs or beating the enemy with cars and street signs. As they're not essential to completing the game, only serving to level up your character faster, they're sometimes easier to skip altogether - and that's never good. Also, to further appear like an open world game, Transformers incorporates a GTA-like wanted level, though it's cleverly re-titled as a Threat Level. You know the drill, the more stuff you destroy, the higher the level gets and the harder the enemies are, blah, blah, blah. Then you die with nothing to show for it. You can reduce your threat level by staying alive long enough for it to decrease, but it's honestly easier to just die and restart.

Didn't I say something about an action game? Yeah… about that. Well, the way I see it, Transformers could be an action game, if it was any fun. The minute that action becomes boring it's not action, it's work - and work ain't fun. Transformers' action suffers mostly due to inadequate controls. First on the list of action offenses is one of the most important to a game such as this: targeting. Had there been a lock-on function, I daresay this game might have been worth your time. Instead however, to target an enemy you tap the Y button to raise your weapon and an aiming reticle appears. If the reticle comes across an enemy it stays on it for a bit, but disappears once you get out of range or turn the camera the wrong way in an attempt to strafe. Melee attacks involve a little less frustration, but not much. Due to the sketchy targeting you're likely to miss the majority of your attacks unless you stay stationary, but that just leads you to exchanging hits with an enemy.

Offense number two is the mind boggling decision to hinder you with an overheating gauge for your blaster arm. Lord knows why this was implemented. From the very start, enemy tanks and helicopters take forever to shoot down (park benches are oddly resistant to your towering robot might as well), so it's not like a rapid-fire blaster would've made the game too easy. The final action sin of Transformers is an unfortunate carry over from one of its inspirations. Just as GTA (pick one) was notorious for this, Transformers may have it beat. Whenever you kill an enemy, within seconds another one magically respawns directly behind you. Don't you love peek-a-boo? Sometimes the game even has the audacity to have an enemy appear before your very eyes - and this is a never-ending process. During missions where you have stationary targets to destroy, you get swamped by respawning attackers no matter how many you kill. If that sounds terrible then you'll be overjoyed to know that more often than not there's a time limit as well, which means that you're forced to simply avoid the enemy while trying to take out your objective, which is easier said than done with that control system. It's a vicious cycle.

I wish I could say things get better, but they don't. After going through some of Transformers' missions, I was reminded of the tank shooter Steel Reign from way back in the PSOne days. The two games are fairly similar in that they share similar enemies of tanks and helicopters, similar mission objectives of taking out satellites and outposts and most importantly, they share a horrid excuse for 3D graphics. They aren't similar in that I actually enjoyed Steel Reign, the reason being that it was out ten years ago and that the graphics were likely the best they could squeeze out of that system. But to see such poor graphics these days only serves to detract and distract you. Transformers' character models are jagged and poorly detailed, with little more than paint schemes to distinguish one from another. The environments don't fare much better either; they're blander than oatmeal when you've got a cold. "Is that a mountain or a taupe-colored polygon?" Both, if you want to get technical. I can already hear a cry of defense for the DS in that it's not a graphically robust system, which is a valid argument. However, that's why Transformers brings to mind the old adage "just because you can doesn't mean you should." Just because the DS can support 3D doesn't ensure a game will benefit from it. All of the problems that this game has can be traced to the fact that it's in 3D. Had the developers gone with a 2D side-scroller or an isometric view, formats that have proven very successful and pleasing on the system, then Transformers would've likely avoided the awful control issues and also served to separate itself as a unique title in the crowded Transformer movie game arena.

If you're curious, the touch screen has three functions, all accessible by a stylized HUD, but in the end they all feel tacked on. The one you'll likely use the least is the inevitable map function. If there were a war between DS games with map functions against those without, well, I think we all know who'd win. Let's just say that the victor would likely institute a "No Tolerance" policy for games without maps. Anyway, in Transformers the mini-map on the play screen is more than sufficient to locate your objectives, instead of stopping to enlarge a map of the city on the touch screen. Next is the Decepticon icon, whose only function is to switch between your robot form and vehicle form. You can change vehicle forms by using the third touch screen function of scanning. When you choose to scan a vehicle, a red grid appears on the play screen and auto-focuses on the nearest appropriate target while a counter has to fill to 100% before the scan is complete. If you get hit while scanning, and you will, then you have to restart the scan. Other than allowing you to tap the touch screen to further cut scenes, the touch function of the DS remains idle throughout the game.

However bad a game is, I usually find that there are at least one or two things that are done well. For Transformers', the bright spot I have to go with is the sound. The voiceovers for the cut scenes are very crisp; each bot has a distinct tone and each line of dialogue sounds like it's being read with emotion, as opposed to off of note cards. I didn't say that the dialogue itself is good though, just the way it is performed. The soundtrack benefits from clarity as well and fades in and out of the action with ease. The sound effects are quite drab, especially the sound of your vehicle driving at full speed and the standard blaster effect, but overall they're hardly a glaring problem. It's just that everything else is.

The broken controls of shooting, fighting and strafing coupled with monotonous "Destroy 'X' amount of enemies" missions and ridiculous enemy respawns makes Transformers: Decepticons nothing more than a chore. Actually, chores aren't all that bad, as they usually leave a feeling of accomplishment afterwards and sometimes five bucks from Mom if she's in a good mood. But this game doesn't leave you with anything except a hole in your wallet where money used to be, a DS case drink coaster and an unhealthy mixture of anger and boredom. If you've got to have a Transformers fix then the console versions offer up a slightly more solid but still lackluster experience. Or you could watch the movie again. Or the old cartoons on DVD. Or bust out your old Transformers action figures. Whatever else you feel you have to do, just avoid this poor DS offering.

Reviewed by Scott Schmidt for AceGamez (All Rights Reserved).